nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
