i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
