Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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