I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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