My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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