Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
