God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
