hell yes lets make some ravioli
I met the friendliest cop last night
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
