peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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