Swine flu. Run for my life!
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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