fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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