It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
