He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
