He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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