I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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