just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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