I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
