there's paper in my vomit.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
