You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
