I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
