Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
