Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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