sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Well I just put wine in my tea
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
