I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
