everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
