he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
