My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
