just come out here and I will go home with you...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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