I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
