so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
cat food counts as protein by the way
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
