I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
