Someone shit on the floor
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
