The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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