oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
you inspire me to be a worse person
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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