I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
