dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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