I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
