At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
