Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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