I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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