I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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