He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
