I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
