This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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