In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize
