Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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