you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
