I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
