a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
