I puked a lego.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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