I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
